Sex Tape Derby, Round 20
Just 'cause we're gonna cut back a bit on blogging doesn't mean we need to cut down on the really important stuff ... hence, another installment of your favorite and ours, Sex Tape Derby. We'll make it easy on you with this hypothetical: You must watch someone have sex on video, or DVD, if you prefer your masturbatory material with a clearer image and director commentary.
Who would you choose to watch, if you were forced to choose? Post your selections in the comments section and we'll call it a day.
For an exhaustive explanation of STD (get it?), click here.
1. Disco Diddle: Cheryl Tiegs or Farrah Fawcett?
2. Justin Timberlake or Leo DiCaprio?
3. Sarah Polley or Chloe Sevigny?
4. Tommy Lee Jones or Tommy Lee?
5. The Golden Age of Throwdown: Lana Turner or Virginia Mayo?
6. Method Monkey Slappin': James Dean or young Marlon Brando?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 12:01 AM
4 comments
4 Comments:
Cheryl and Jacklyn have aged as well or better than anyone ever in the history of everything. What was Charley putting in their Tabs?
And how the fuck did Shelley Hack score a gig as an angel? That's a "which of the following doesn't belong" SAT question.
I'll go w/ DiCaprio, because his tape would look more like girl-on-girl.
I have no idea who these people are, but my grandmother was named Chloe, and I always enjoyed her X-rated work.
A Jones tape should contain a variety of interesting partners (I hear he likes to get freaky in every farmhouse, henhouse, doghouse and outhouse within a 15 mile area).
I’ll go Mayo just for the film’s “delicious” dialogue: “Waitress, I’ll have the chicken salad on rye. With Mayo.”
1. Not much'n of a looka' so much as a hooka' -- take all that flowsy-blowsy Aquey Netty pile of blow-dried wiggee stringee off'n her head, and she done look like some kinda booby boy sittin' 'roun wit tweekee nipplees.
Teegsy make me blow out my cathety thang quick-like and cause my Uncle Wiggly thingee to go zingee!
2. That Justy sure do have a thing for them slutty thingees, slinging his weenie inside their streeny beekeenees. Course, Cappy been going down south-like with the Brazillees like Jizzellee. But you can't beat that panzee lil' Justerini fer getting necky deep in the ol' Britnee-boo's briney hiney.
3. Polley wanna doodle all day -- girly's got dem buggy eyes that make me get bulby below the belly. But that Clowee got the nice perkey thangs she like gettin' lickee'd up during lezbyloozy hankee pankee wit' Hilary Swankee.
4. Tommy Lee got dat crawly king snakee, the biggun ol' noodle doin' da wang-dang-doodle jammy on Pammy an' Pinkee.
5. Hold da Mayo between mah legs and squeeeeeze. What pouty purty thang, make ya wanna put ya wang in huh Tang.
6. James Deany gettin' his weeny betweeny some Nattee and Lizzee, get me all in a tizzee like Dizzee.
1. I'll take Tiegs, who I've always preferred. Farrah's got the kind of teeth that make me wish for the retrained, subdued dentistry of Nancy Kerrigan.
2. This is a tough one. Both can pull about any piece of hot tail they want, but I'll go with Leo, I guess. As long as his tape doesn't feature a cameo by David Blaine ("Are you sure that's your card, or is Leo's dick...in your ass!"), it would have to be better than Timberlake pretending he's hung like a black guy, too.
3. Polley. Ever since "Go," I've had the hots for her. Ever since Gummo, I've associated Chloe with a bathwater tainted with spaghetti.
4. Dude, Tommy Lee bones only the hottest of now-middle-aged skanks which is 10 times better than watching Jones walk around complaining and grimacing all over the fuck tape.
5. I'll take mine with Mayo. Maybe it's just the picture, but she has the old-timey slut air about her, which is hot, no matter the era.
6. James Dean was cool and all, but you know for a fact it would be fun to watch Brando cry Havok as he "lets loose the dogs of war" all over the back of some grateful fan.
Because in the words of Dave Attell, if it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick.
I have some great ideas :) But no time to explain right now. Nevermind. Next time.
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