Thursday, May 04, 2006

Sex Tape Derby, Round 51

On his deathbed, legendary Supreme Court Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes once called Sex Tape Derby "the throbbing heart of our very democracy." In keeping with that sentiment, we humbly submit another installment of America's favorite pastime (well, other than conspicuous consumption, that is). The question is simple: If faced with a homemade sex video of the following celebrities, whom would you rather be subjected to watching? Post your selections in the comments section below.

The comprehension-challenged should read here for a further explanation.

Onetime teenage witch Melissa Joan Hart ...

Or onetime Dharma, Jenna Elfman?

Ol' blue eyes, Frank Sinatra ...

Or the king, Elvis Presley?


At 9:58 AM, Anonymous Dr. Pants said...

1. I'll take Clarissa over Dharma any goddamn day.

2. Elivs got some crazy sex, but Sinatra invented crazy sex. Hell, he may have invented sex in the first place. And when you invent sex, you add eight girls to the mix. It's NATURAL.

Frank in a walk.

At 10:11 AM, Anonymous Brick Fuchwahl said...

1. Dharma was cute, but her Tom Cruise teeth were a tad bothersome, and in a video, I'm concerned that a motormouth like Elfman would make it far too dialogue heavy, but if her uncle did the score, that could be some seriously wacky porn. Then again, Lauren Graham is a motormouth, too, and I'd take out a second mortgage to own that.

It's Sabrina all the way. I liked the way she could make her cat talk. Heh.

2. Elvis was too much of a repressed mama's boy, and you can just hear him yelling "Mama! Mama! I'm sorry I'm comin' on top of this General's daughter!" Of course, if the tape involved Ann-Margret circa "VLV," I'm there faster than you can say, "I'm gonna give it everything I've got, lady luck please let the dice stay hot, let me shoot a seven with every shot."

But Frank was not repressed in the least. If you ever notice that poster of the mug shot in the Bada-Bing backroom in "The Sopranos," it's Sinatra in the late 1930s, and you know what he was popped for? Having sex with a married woman. Yes, you could be arrested for that back then, provided the married woman in question wasn't your wife.

Plus, Frank fucked Ava Gardner, and Ava Gardner is the be-all, end-all of Old Hollywood perfection. Frank was an action hero.

At 2:54 PM, Anonymous QC said...

I'm just trying to get over the fact that the word "throbbing" was used in conjunction with the whole thing.

At 4:37 PM, Anonymous Athena said...

I'm sorry, I can't stop laughing at the thought that Melissa Joan Hart is a contender in this contest. I'm howling!! Did your momma help you with these selections?

At 10:34 PM, Blogger Larry Mondello said...

Melissa or Jenna? Sabrina will always be a teen-witch to me.. so it's Jenna.

Sinatra or Presley?? Mathis. (alternative take on a Diner reference)

At 10:35 PM, Blogger Larry Mondello said...

by the way Chase... if this was just a setup to get someone to reference Sabrina's "talking pussy" I'll go ahead and get it out of the way now.


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