Thursday, December 21, 2006

Sex Tape Derby, Round 79: Rankin-Bass Christmas Edition

So, Christmas morning arrives, and you have two shiny boxes under the tree. It turns out that Santa has brought you what you always wanted -- sex tapes! The thing is, you have to choose which one to play first, and since Christmas comes just once a year, you have to make the first one special. Which is the first to be unwrapped?

Jessica, the future Mrs. Santa Claus from "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" or...

Mariah Carey in her claymation animated video for "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town"?

Heat Miser from "The Year Without a Santa Claus" or...

The Abominable Snow Monster from "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"?


At 9:53 AM, Blogger Dr. Pants said...

Every December since I can remember, my family -- parents and brother, cousins, aunts and uncles, grand-parents and in-laws -- would gather around the Christmas tree on Christmas morning and fuck the shit out of some puppets.

1. Even when she's made of clay, Mariah Carey has weeping vagina sores. I say this not as speculation, but as fact. She's why Rudolph's nose is red and stings when he takes a piss.

I'll go with that chaste chubby-chaser Jessica. Circle takes the square.

2. I'd rather see that hairy snowman confusedly humping the car of a family trapped in a snowdrift. Why? Because the Heat Miser has hair like this guy I work with. And I don't want to see him fuck anybody, even if his penis did radiate warmth like it was bourne in the pits of hell.

Gilbert Gottfried, for the block.

At 10:11 AM, Blogger Chase McInerney said...

As Tiny Tim once said: "God bless you, Daniel, for your wonderful and filthy mind!"

1. As much as I dug Jessica, I think that claymation Mariah looks swell. Pants is wrong on this one. Weeping vagina sores don't translate in stop-action animation. It says so in Wikipedia. I wouldn't mind running into a claymation Mariah on the Island of Misfit Sex Toys.

2. The Heat Miser kinda resembles a fat, strangely androgymous Axl Rose to me -- and if that doesn't get your motor runnin', well, them, shame on YOU!

At 11:05 AM, Anonymous turtle said...

I only have eyes for Nestor the Long-Eared Christmas Donkey. His ears ain't all that's long, ya know. And when he puts it to the Little Drummer Boy, well, the kid starts a-hatin' the animals as much as he hates people!

At 11:59 AM, Blogger Conrad Spencer said...

Disregarding the issue of weeping vaginal sores, I'd have to go with Jessica, as she looks to have a much nicer rack. And, Chase, your description of the Heat Miser as an androginous Axl is dead on, but I can't say that get's my motor runnin'. What could be better on a long, cold winter's night than some freaky, hairy abomindable sex?

At 4:33 PM, Anonymous TokenLiberal said...

This is the first time I've found this exercise the least bit appealing.

I've got to go with the Mariah Carey elf girl.

At 8:46 AM, Anonymous Louis Rukeyser Soze said...

You know, there are sleazy 10-year-old boys watching "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" who see Jessica and say, "Man, I'd tap that!" When in fact that's all you could do, really.

Is it a bad reflection on us that we think the Mariah doll is hotter than the real thing? Or is it just that we think it would be more sanitary?


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