Sex Tape Derby, Round 27
Happy Thursday, dear readers, and welcome to another installment of Sex Tape Derby. Here's the deal: Let's say you've gotta watch a video of steamy, raucous, loin-smoldering sex. Of the following sets of folks, whom would you rather be subjected to for serious boot-knocking action? Post your selections in the comments section below.
The more comprehension-challenged readers can learn more about Sex Tape Derby, from its inauspicious origins arriving through Ellis Island to its current salad days, by clicking here.
1. Nincompoop New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin or FEMA flop Mike Brown?
2. Saucy Aussies: Nicole Kidman or Naomi Watts?
3. Hollywood sex Libs: Sean Penn or Alec Baldwin?
4. Which Hilton would you rather stay at overnight? Paris or Nicky?
5. Rock Icons Do It, Too: Bob Dylan or Van Morrison?
6. Creepy in a good way: Morticia Addams or Lilly Munster?
posted by Chase McInerney @ 7:21 AM
3 comments
3 Comments:
I’ll go with Brown for the excuses when he fails to perform: “I thought I did a good job, but apparently you people want me to be some sort of superlover! Where’s my mommy?!”
Aussies are being urged to have little ‘roos. Good thing, because it would take an entire nation of young, firm, beach-bathing beauties to complete with Nicole. I can’t think of anything I WOULDN’T watch Nicole do. Except maybe her ex.
Shouldn’t people with actual sex tapes be excluded? I’ll take (relatively) underexposed Nicky.
Morticia all the way. That porcelain skin… that effortless grace… that knowing smirk… yum-diddily-um. Besides, The Munsters sucked.
1. Neither. Nagin would be yelling at his partner to "get off your ass and do something!" while she laid prone, unwilling or unable to perform the necessary acts.
Mr. Arabian Horse would be sphincter-spelunking while his receiver squealed in full ecstatic thrall, "Brownie, you're doin' a heckuva job!"
2. Naomi Watts' nipples could blast through granite. If "21 Grams" didn't make me want to put a shotgun in my mouth, I would watch it every day just to see her nipples get hard and shoot straight upward like two Chrysler Buildings jutting from rolling, symmetrical, porcelain hills.
3. Penn, but especially if it includes "21 Grams" co-star Naomi Watts, because her nipples could blast through granite. If "21 Grams" didn't make me want to put a shotgun in my mouth...
Watching Baldwin fuck would be like seeing that Werner Herzog documentary "Grizzly Man," in which the bear mauls the idiot who got too close to it.
4. The Nicky over the Paris Hilton: The plumbing is worn out, there's nobody home in the penthouse and I'm told that the service entrance has been used way too many times.
5. Morrison would spend most of the time puking up the two fifths of Bushmills he downed before passing out on the brown-eyed girl, so Zimmerman would be the only choice. Besides, who can resist Dylan giving to Joan Baez and yelling, "How does it FEEEL? How does it FEEEL?"
6. Yvonne DeCarlo looked like she could fuck you to death. Carolyn Jones just looked like death itself.
1. Hometown hero Mike Brown's tape would be more entertaining, but impossible to rub one out to unless you're into watching a grown man cry while taking "Mr. Ed" deep on down, where he's soft, like a woman.
2. Hmmm. Two hot people. Let me check my dick.
...
OK, it still hurts when I pee, so I'm going with Watts, who is also so burning hot that I think she should be covered in salve.
3. You know what? Just for the fun of it, let's see Alec. And not during the Kim Basinger years, because that would be too easy. You know, though, that when he walks into a disco in Newark, all the ladies run to the bathroom, using sanitary tissue to wipe the cream off their legs. That would be pretty fucking funny.
4. Nicky. If Paris ever worms her way out of Mr. Slave's digestive tract, she's still going to have that "just been inserted in a man's ass" smell.
5. Dylan's sex tape, I'm assuming, would just be a continuation of his Victoria's Secret commercial, which Jon Stewart rightly defined as such:
"Buy this lingerie or that demon will kill the girl!"
6. Morticia. Especially if she speaks French. Oh, you know what that does to me...
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