Sex Tape Derby, Round 67

Today's clever match-up in Sex Tape Derby involves old geezer movie stars and their much younger and anorexic girlfriends. And so, let's get to the tiresome setup, shall we? You absolutely, positively must watch a homemade sex tape. Which of the following celebrities would you prefer to see get their mojo working? Post your selections in the comments section below.

Calista Flockhart or ...














Lara Flynn Boyle?















Back-in-the-day Harrison Ford or ...














Back-in-the-day Jack Nicholson?

Dirty Little Pictures

Let the more erudite blogs reflect on the one-year anniversary of the Katrina tragedy. Today, I have decidedly less important matters to discuss.

Here's a shout-out to precociousness. A friend and colleague was mortified this weekend to catch her 8-year-old son doing a Google search for naked pictures of Jessica Simpson. Evidently, the boy -- decorum precludes our using his name, so let's just call him "Porn Hunter" -- has been something of a tit man in the first place, at least according to his mother, but the dirty-picture search represents a new level in his Huckleberry Finn-like odyssey through sexualized self-awareness.

Now, aside from my disappointment at his conventional taste in cheesecake -- note to Porn Hunter: Google Mandy Moore next time -- I don't see what the big fuss is about.

I think I was roughly 8 or 9 when I saw my first porn magazine. My brother-in-law at the time -- for the purposes of this anecdote, we'll just call him by his inexplicable nickname, Dolphin -- had an impressive collection of Playboys and Penthouses, and, if memory serves, he freely allowed me to peruse the stacks of forbidden material. Dolphin was a different breed of cat, certainly a different breed of role model. The guy avoided work, was an amateur pornographer, sold great quantities of dope and fed an insatiable gambling addiction that eventually led to serious problems. My oldest sister ended up divorcing him for reasons that probably had something to do with his aforementioned proclivities.

Anyhoo, back to my tangential memory. When I was 8, I was very much into drawing anything and everything; I carried a trusty sketch pad with me everywhere I went. Dolphin, who apparently shared my artistic curiosity, taught me how to draw nekkid women, a skill for which I will be eternally grateful.

I remember distinctly that Dolphin would open to the centerfold in question and patiently explain to me the intricacies of capturing the female form.





My favorite sketching subject was Miss November 1974, Bebe Buell (left), the mother of one Liv Tyler) .

Who needed to draw crummy rainbows and unicorns and banal "I Love Mom" slogans to be plastered on refrigerators? I was creating art.

"Always start with the boobs," Dolphin instructed. "Always, always start with the boobs."

It was a lesson with applications that extended well beyond the parameters of sketch pads.

Quote of the Day

“We are not going to boost every part of the morale.”

-- Exotic dancer Tanea Brooks, explaining to The New York Times why her dance troupe, the Purrfect Angelz, opted for less risque shows for U.S. troops in Iraq

Welcome to Springfield

By Conrad Spencer

Ever wonder whether you're more an Apu or a Mr. Smithers? Ever cringed at the similarities between you and Comic Book Guy? At long last, we have the definitive 5-question test that will, once and for all, identify which Simpsons character you are.

I am Barney:

"You could have been an intellectual leader...Instead, your whole life is an homage to beer. You will be remembered for: your beautiful singing voice and your burps. Your life philosophy: 'There's nothing like beer to give you that inflated sense of self-esteem.'"

If you don't like your Simpsons character, you can always see which alcoholic drink you are (beer) or how Machiavellian you are (somewhat).

Eventually, everyone will find the personality test that will tell them tell them what they want to hear.

Abortion Mania!

What you and I read in the newspaper: 'Morning after' pill gets final approval


What social conservatives read in between the lines ...

Friday Random 10

To paraphrase Greta Garbo ... iPod to be alone.

1. Lester Young, "Our Love Is Here to Stay"
2. Kanye West with Consequence and Cam'ron, "Gone"
3. Duran Duran, "Hungry Like the Wolf"
4. Junior Walker & the All-Stars, "Shotgun"
5. Ray Charles, "What'd I Say"
6. X, "Beyond and Back"
7. The Replacements, "Dope Smokin' Moron"
8. R.E.M., "Nightswimming"
9. E, "Nowheresville"
10. Ivy, "Let's Stay Inside"

Pluto, We Hardly Knew Ye

If so science is so flippin' infallible, why is Pluto no longer a planet?

After more than 70 years of suffering faulty textbooks, the International Astronomical Union has officially kicked Pluto out of the big leagues. AP reports:

"Although astronomers applauded after the vote, Jocelyn Bell Burnell -- a specialist in neutron stars from Northern Ireland who oversaw the proceedings -- urged those who might be 'quite disappointed' to look on the bright side.

"'It could be argued that we are creating an umbrella called "planet" under which the dwarf planets exist,' she said, drawing laughter by waving a stuffed Pluto of Walt Disney fame beneath a real umbrella."

These are scientists. These are scientists trying to be funny.

Not pretty, is it?

Sex Tape Derby, Round 66

As any dedicated reader of this blog knows (assuming there are dedicated readers, but anyhoo), Thursday is Sex Tape Derby, a day to let your libidinous fantasies frolic outside in the backyard for a while -- provided your id avoids the sprinkler and doesn't track mud into the house. Here's the deal: You must watch celebrities get off. Given that dystopian future, whom would you rather be forced to sit through doing the boom-chickie-boom? Post your selections in the comments section below.

Nelly Furtado or ...















Sophia Bush?












"House, M.D."'s Hugh Laurie or ...















"Prison Break"'s Wentworth Miller?

Perspective on the Immigration Debate, or: How to Use Political Issues as an Excuse to Post Gratuitous Pictures of Salma Hayek

By Conrad Spencer

Of the arguments advanced by the anti-immigration crowd, the least tenable has always been the cultural argument -- that immigrants refusing to assimilate are somehow a threat to the American way of life. The fear mongers base their arguments on the premise that a darker-complected or bilingual U.S. is sure to be inferior to what we've got now.

Last night my family and I had dinner in a local Mexican restaurant. I was enjoying a plate of chili verde and the mild euphoria that comes with 99-cent margaritas. I had to wonder at the fear some have of the culture that brought us chili verde, margaritas and Salma Hayek.

Cutting to the Chase: Covering today's issues from every angle.

A Disaster by Any Other Name ...

Dumbya says that pulling out of Iraq now would be "a disaster."

Presumably, he means a disaster other than the disaster of staying in Iraq.

The Washington Post's Michael A. Fletcher and Glenn Kessler report that the president, in a rare nod to a big fancy word, acknowledged yesterday that the Iraq War is "straining the psyche" of Americans:

"Resolute and at times exasperated during a 56-minute news conference, Bush cast the war in Iraq as part of a broader struggle against Islamic extremism that holds serious implications for the security of the United States. Bush's defense of his Iraq policy touched on familiar themes, but his passionate and lengthy plea to keep fighting was striking in light of the plummeting support for the war among the public and -- more worrisome for the White House -- among Republicans.

"Many Democrats, and some Republicans, have called for a fixed timetable for withdrawing U.S. troops from Iraq. Also, an increasing number of conservative commentators who once agitated for the invasion are now critical of Bush's handling of the war ...

[...]

"Turning back to Iraq, Bush was adamant in arguing that the conflict is crucial to the broader battle against terrorism. 'If you think it's bad now, imagine what Iraq would look like if the United States leaves before this government can defend itself and sustain itself,' he said."

First, let's get the obvious sophomoric commentary out of the way. Despite my belief that Iraq has been a costly and grievous mistake, I am not sure that I support pulling out. Pulling out is hardly foolproof. And I've got the bundle of joy to prove it.

But neither is there necessarily shame in withdrawal, or "cut and run," as the Rovian talking points put it. I remember many years ago receiving this sage advice about turning my back on a relationship that wasn't working out (it helped that the woman was a cheating ho, but that's immaterial at the moment):

"It's important to know when to leave an impossible relationship."

Defense hawks love to talk about how the specter of Vietnam has dampened Americans' zeal for a lengthy war, and I suppose there is some truth in that observation. Whether a presumptive opposition to war is necessarily a bad thing is something I will leave for greater minds to ponder. But I would add that the legacy of Vietnam cuts both ways; the miserable experience of that war also fuels the view of many that "never again." In this case, "never again" means "never again will we cut and run; never again will we do a job half-assed; never again will we fight a war without resolving to win it."

That can be counterproductive and dangerous. Make no mistake; cut-and-run is an option. It might not be the ideal option, but it is an exit strategy, certainly as much a strategy as fighting until there's one man left standing.

Why am I reminded of the black knight scene in Monty Python and the Holy Grail?










Cut-and-run might not be a great option, but it just might be the best one we've got.

Friday Random 10

Play that funky iPod, Chasey.

1. Stereolab. "The Noise of Carpet"
2. Eels, "Mr. E's Beautiful Blues (Untitled)"
3. Jonathan Richman, "Abu Jamal"
4. Pretty Girls Make Graves, "Interlude"
5. The Dead Milkmen, "Gorilla Girl"
6. The Hollies, "On a Carousel"
7. Hot Hot Heat, "Oh Goddamnit"
8. Me First & the Gimme Gimmies, "Me & Julio Down by the Schoolyard"
9. Elvis Costello, "13 Steps Lead Down"
10. OK Go, "Invincible"

America's Sweetheart

"I'm ugly. My jaw hurts. Unnnh. Urrp!"

Sex Tape Derby, Round 65

Happy Thursday, everybody, and welcome to another edition of Sex Tape Derby. You know the rules: When you absolutely, positively have to get your freak on, via the magic of a homemade sex videotape or DVD, who would get top billing? Post your selections in the comments section below.

Heather Locklear or ...













Denise Richards?















Richie Sambora or ...














Charlie Sheen?

Quote of the Day

A succinct case against rushing to judgment:

"Based on what happened to us, I don't think it's proper that we speculate or discuss the case. It's important that justice be allowed to run its course and do its job."
-- John Ramsey, to KUSA-TV in Denver

Hakuna Macaca

Hey, George Allen!











Welcome to America ...

dickhead.

Justice at Last?

After all this time -- an arrest is made in the 1996 murder of JonBenet Ramsey.

The Rocky Mountain News reports that the suspect, being held in Thailand, is a 41-year-old onetime second-grade teacher from Conyers, Georgia:

"[A] source said that authorities had been focusing on him for some time and that Patsy Ramsey had been made aware prior to her death on June 24 that his arrest was being pursued.

"Boulder District Attorney Mary Lacy today confirmed the arrest,without naming the suspect. She said it followed several months of a focused and complex investigation. 'John and Patsy Ramsey both were consulted during the course of the investigation,' Lacy said in a brief press release this afternoon."

Regardless of what ultimately happens in this case, it is heartbreaking that the girl's mother, Patsy Ramsey, died with millions of people still convinced that she was somehow involved in the beating and stangulation death of her own child.

The media-saturated lynching of John and Patsy Ramsey will forever be a testament to the most ugly impulses of a news media that values speed and sensation above credibility, a news media moving far too quickly to worry about the repercussions of what they do.

The list of those wronged by the media is extensive -- Richard Jewell, Gary Condit and Raymond Donovan are but a few who leap to mind -- but there is a special place in Yellow Journalism Hell for those who excoriated the Ramseys without shame or reservation.

Joined at the Hip

I have a confession to make. There are two manifestations of physical abnormality that turn me into a squeamish little baby. I'm not proud of such weak-kneed reactions, but hey, it takes a big man to admit he's a pussy. Or at least that's what I tell myself. Often.

Anyway, the first issue I have is with hermaphrodites, a longtime fear that probably dates back to when I was 14 and rudely seduced by a pictorial I had come across in a heavily guarded issue of Hustler, a pictorial that then pulled the rug out from under me on the following page. Suffice it to say, I didn't appreciate The Crying Game to the same degree as some movie critics.

But I digress. Let me address my hermaphrodite phobia some other time. For now, I have a whole other point to make (there's a very clumsy and childish double entendre in the aforementioned line, if you happen to care).

The other phobia has been an inability to deal with news accounts of conjoined twins. The topic would flip me out. I couldn't handle news stories of this or that latest pair of conjoined twins who happened to be from Guatemala or Peru or the Appalachians, or wherever. Hell, I even had problems handling make-believe conjoined twins, like in the movies Sisters or Stuck on You.

But something appears to have changed for me, a development I realized when I began to take interest in the plight of the conjoined twins in Utah, Kendra and Maliyah Herrin. The 4-year-old girls were joined at the hip, sharing one pair of legs and a single functioning kidney. They were separated through multiple surgeries last week at a Salt Lake City hospital.

The post-surgery recovery appears to be going remarkably well, according to a report in Salt Lake City's Deseret Morning News:

"They've given their parents high-fives, have laughed at their big sister's jokes and are 'doing great.' That's the update on Maliyah and Kendra Herrin, formerly conjoined twins who were separated during a 26-hour surgery a week ago.

"The 4-year-old twins, who share a room at Primary Children's Medical Center, have reached out in an attempt to touch each other, Erin Herrin said at a press conference Monday, but their beds can't be moved quite close enough. So the Herrins have had to be inventive, holding mirrors in front of the twins so they can see each other, Erin explained.

"Maliyah and Kendra are still 'pretty heavily drugged,' their father, Jake, said. But when they're awake they've blown bubbles, listened to stories — and wished out loud that they could eat a real breakfast. The girls have been upgraded from critical to serious condition.

[...]

"Potential problems include pneumonia and the twins' skin breaking down (their skin had to be stretched so it could be used to cover wounds from the surgery). And then, Erin said, 'we're going to be coming to the emotional things. But we'll get through those, too.'"

I first ran across a photo of the Herrin girls in the local newspaper a few weekends ago; to my shock, I did not vomit and run screaming to my mommy. I took note of the girls' smiling faces and read on. As it turns out, they're -- get this -- real flesh-and-blood children.


The Deseret Morning News profiled the pair prior to the separation:

"Kendra loves to play games on the computer, while Maliyah would rather play with her Barbies. But the Herrin twins have had to form a cooperative team not often found in 4-year-olds.

"When Kendra wants to dance, Maliyah pitches in to help her. When Maliyah wants to go outside, Kendra's usually happy to go along. They have to work together to get up and down the stairs or play video games or put on their shoes."

To my dismay, I found myself interested -- and actually moved by the girls' plight.

A lot changed for me when the wife and I had a baby (who turned 8 months old last week, by the way). While we are fortunate that our Apple Rosebud is healthy (aside from a screwed-up father, that is), parenthood definitely spurred a paradigm shift about having a child with a physical defect.

If an ultrasound ever suggested that my wife were pregnant with conjoined twins, I'm no longer sure what I would want to do.

Years ago, I would have said without hesitation that I'd want the pregnancy to be aborted. Now, I'm not so sure.

Little Miss Brilliant

So I went into Little Miss Sunshine somewhat predisposed to be disappointed.

And, for a while, I was. The dysfunctional American family long ago became indie cliche, and the movie -- while often very funny in its first 30 minutes -- is not exactly immune to its own quirky formula.

But then something wonderful happened.













I fell in love with the movie. Seriously fell in love with it.

I think the thunderbolt hit me in the scene that finds Olive (Abigail Breslin), our 7-year-old wannabe beauty pageant winner, resting her head on the shoulder of her angst-ridden brother, Dwayne (Paul Dano). They are in the California desert, and Dwayne has had something of a mental breakdown (a number of characters seem to have quite a few of 'em in the film). But then Olive and Dwayne share a silent moment of affection, and all is forgiven.

It is a subtle moment in a film that doesn't particularly revere subtlety, but for me it encapsulates the overriding truth of the movie. Families are Petri dishes of pettiness, resentment, slights, fears, old grudges and insecurities. And yet it is such stuff that makes families so alive and essential.

There is so much more in this movie -- comedy, poignancy, power, outrageousness, humanity -- but that one scene is when I realized I had fallen madly in love with Little Miss Sunshine.

And it wasn't because the movie has brains or personality. It's because it's so beautiful.

Friday Random 10

iPod. Don't dream it. Be it.

1. Billie Holiday, "God Bless the Child"
2. Cake, "Wheels"
3. Dale Hawkins, "Suzie-Q"
4. LCD Soundsystem, "Tribulation"
5. Ween, "Hey There Fancy Pants"
6. The Flaming Lips, "Christmas at the Zoo"
7. King Missile, "Mr. Johnson"
8. Screaming Trees, "Transfiguration"
9. Willie Mabon, "I Don't Know"
10. Sonic Youth, "Tunic (Song for Karen)"

Sex Tape Derby, Round 64

Sex Tape Derby beckons. If you care to indulge America's favorite incarnation of "Woul'ja?," here's the easy-to-grasp premise: The fate of the free world hinges on your viewing of a no-holds-barred, yowzah homemade sex tape. Whom would you rather see "gettin' it on," under such circumstnaces? Let us know in the comments section.

Brittany Murphy or ...
















JohnTucker Must Die's Britany Snow?














Jessica's daddy, Joe Simpson, or ...










Jessica's ex, Nick Lachey?

Freedom ... on the March!

The latest CNN poll indicates that a whopping 60 percent of Americans now oppose the Iraq War, with a majority supportive of a partial withdrawal of troops by the end of the year.

Reuters reports:

"It was the CNN poll's highest number opposing the war since fighting began in March 2003, a figure that has risen steadily since then, according to the Opinion Research Corp. survey conducted last week on behalf of the cable network."

Hmm. Who would've thought that so many people hate freedom?

All for the Red, White and Oomph

What a trooper! Lindsay Lohan says she wants to visit U.S. troops in Iraq. It's a hunch, but something tells us that U.S. troops would like her to visit them. Talk about the rocket's red glare ....



















Lohan tells Elle magazine it's all part of her overall desire to emulate Marilyn Monroe. "It's so amazing seeing that one woman just going somewhere, this beautiful sex kitten, who's basically a pinup, which is what I've always aspired to be," she said.

Aspiring to be a pinup. Yes, kids, idealism is alive and well and beating in the oversized breasts of Lindsay Lohan.

Mishegaas

OK, so he's out of the race (at least as a Democrat). Now what?



"The Senate needs collegial moderates who work across party lines. It's the only way to stop the really bad stuff. And the revival of the romance of the antiwar left is a potential disaster for the Democrats. That's what gave the world Richard Nixon in 1968, when ideologically pure liberals who had backed Eugene McCarthy in the primaries refused to rally around Hubert Humphrey because Humphrey was 'complicit' in the Vietnam War machine."
-- Jonathan Alter in Newsweek

Alter's sentiments are both right and wrong. Yes, bipartisan moderates are desperately needed; they might be the only people in politics who ever really get things done. And granted, the hardcore left is again in danger of jinxing what should be a slam dunk. The "Clean for Gene" crowd ended up with a PC and a domain name, and they're loving the Democratic Party so much, it's starting to resemble autoerotic asphyxiation.

But let me get this straight: Collegial moderates are needed because "it's the only way to stop the really bad stuff?" Are you f-ing kidding me? If a war based on wrong information and apparently without end doesn't count as "really bad stuff," then my heart goes out to the nightmare world of Jonathan Alter. Buck up, little buddy.

Dirty DemocRats!

In the latest New Yorker, Hendrik Hertzberg takes issue with one of the stranger irritants of partisan sniping -- the insistence by some Republicans that the proper adjective is Democrat, not Democratic:

"There’s no great mystery about the motives behind this deliberate misnaming. 'Democrat Party' is a slur, or intended to be — a handy way to express contempt. Aesthetic judgments are subjective, of course, but 'Democrat Party' is jarring verging on ugly. It fairly screams 'rat.' At a slightly higher level of sophistication, it’s an attempt to deny the enemy the positive connotations of its chosen appellation. During the Cold War, many people bridled at obvious misnomers like 'German Democratic Republic,' and perhaps there are some members of the Republican Party (which, come to think of it, has been drifting toward monarchism of late) who genuinely regard the Democratic Party as undemocratic. Perhaps there are some who hope to induce it to go out of existence by refusing to call it by its name, à la terming Israel 'the Zionist entity.' And no doubt there are plenty of others who say 'Democrat Party' just to needle the other side while signalling solidarity with their own—the partisan equivalent of flashing a gang sign."

Hertzberg's observations would be absurd if he didn't also happen to be very accurate. Pay even glancing attention to the output of the Republican PR machine and you'll find examples aplenty of this tortured linguistic oddity. Typically, however, the wordplay -- if it can really be called that -- has been limited to the hardcore partisan GOPers.

Leave it to the uniter in the White House to join the fun. Hertzberg writes:

“'It’s time for the leadership in the Democrat Party to start laying out ideas,' [President Bush] said a few weeks ago, using his own personal mouth. 'The Democrat Party showed its true colors during the tax debate,' he said a few months before that. 'Nobody from the Democrat Party has actually stood up and called for actually getting rid of the terrorist surveillance program,' he said a week before that. What he meant is anybody’s guess, but his bad manners were impossible to miss. Hard as it is to believe from this distance in time, George W. Bush came to office promising to 'change the tone.' That he has certainly done. But, as with so much else, it hasn’t worked out quite the way he promised."

Just another indication that, even in the wake of 9-11 and a war of choice in Iraq, our current presidential administration is the most partisan in recent history.

Friday Random 10

What're you looking at, Sugar Tits? It's just an iPod shuffle.

1. Elvis Costello, "Talking in the Dark"
2. Lyle Lovett, "If I Had a Boat"
3. Nick Drake, "The Thoughts of Mary Jane"
4. John Lennon, "Woman"
5. The Stills, "Oh Shoplifter"
6. Smashing Pumpkins, "Zero"
7. Billy Idol, "Dancing with Myself"
8. The Doors, "The WASP (Texas Radio and the Big Beat)"
9. Grandaddy, "Where I'm Anymore"
10. John Wesley Harding, "Here Comes the Groom"

Sex Tape Derby, Round 63

It's time for another whimsical waltz with Sex Tape Derby, the only blog feature with the guts to tell it like it is. You know the drill: You absolutely, positively must watch a homemade sex tape (just for the sake of argument, let's say someone is holding a gun to your head); whom would you rather watch get all hot n' bothered? Post your selections in the comments section below.

Condoleezza Rice or ...















Hillary Clinton?















The Trix Rabbit or ...











The Lucky Charms Leprechaun?

ABC Shoahs Mel the Door

By Daniel Gale-Grogen

Following Mel Gibson's reported anti-Jewish tirade during a drunk driving arrest, ABC has now canceled a miniseries it had in development with Gibson's production company, Icon, about -- get this -- the Holocaust.

According to the Time-Warner-owned entertainorazzi site TMZ.com, Gibson was pulled over last Friday and blew .12 into the hose, which meant he was drunk enough for himself and half of Danny Glover. But it was his slurry epithets spewed at law enforcement officers that launched the star of Max Max, The Year of Living Dangerously and especially Tequila Sunrise and Conspiracy Theory from his status as "Opus Dei member and son-of-an-Anti-Semite" to "David Duke with a SAG card."

Here are some highlights from the TMZ.com account by L.A. County Deputy James Mee:

"Fucking Jews. The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. Are you a Jew?"

"You motherfucker. I'm going to fuck you."

And, of course, this classic, directed at a female officer:

"What do you think you're looking at, sugar tits?"

You'd think Mel would have learned that that's not What Women Want. At any rate, now the Walt Disney Co., which owns ABC, has pulled Gibson's miniseries based on a World War II memoir by a Dutch Jew. In a statement, the company said the project had been in development for two years and no script had been delivered, so it was canceling the miniseries. Which, of course, had nothing to do with Gibson's alleged statements.

Strangely enough, Gibson is also the executive producer of "Leonard Cohen: I'm Your Man." Does he know?

Today, Gibson issued a statement saying "I want to apologize specifically to everyone in the Jewish community for the vitriolic and harmful words that I said to a law enforcement officer the night I was arrested on a D-U-I charge."

"I am not an anti-Semite. I am not a bigot. Hatred of any kind goes against my faith."

Well said, sugar tits. Apparently, the standard for bigotry is higher for a man who claimed, according to the deputy, that he "owns Malibu."